Is anal stimulation something that you want to experiment with?
Sensational is a good butt fucking, but good resources on fucking butts these days seem to be lacking. A controversial word war of appalling vs. amazing awaits any soul brave enough to navigate the ins and outs of internet anal culture. Finding a guide that does not include fearmongering or bullets pointing you in the wrong direction is comparable to uncovering a sex shop worker who refuses to recommend cheap, toxic, jelly dildos as good “beginner” toys. Far from impossible, obviously, just irritatingly more difficult than it fucking should be.
So, how does one properly fuck an ass anyhow? You must start with an aroused butt. There are two primary muscles that control whether the anus is open or closed at any given moment. The external sphincter is the muscle that you can consciously control. By gently pushing or bearing down to open the external sphincter you have some ability to make the process of insertion easier. On the other hand, the internal sphincter is controlled by the autonomic nervous system and will only open up willingly when your entire body is relaxed.
Penetrative sex may become painful without being decently aroused. Therefore, physically relaxing the body is just as important as being mentally prepared when it comes to anal sex especially. Take a warm shower. Get a relaxing massage. Lube up the outside of the anus and massage the opening with a finger or a favorite anal-safe vibrator. Grab your partner and an oral dam and go to town with some anallingus. Anal play does not have to involve penetration to be enjoyable, but it is always a good idea to work your way up slowly if that is your goal.
Just like when stretching any other muscle you have to be patient and take your time. Be gentle. Do not start with anything bigger than you realistically think you could handle. That being said, going from zero to penis is probably a bad idea. Most people will want to start with either their fingers or a smooth, flexible yet firm, dildo with a size less than 1 inch in diameter. Dangerous Lilly wrote a great guide on choosing anal sex toys for beginners. I definitely recommend checking it out. My first experience with anal play was using the Ripple Large by Tantus. I liked it because it allowed me to start with something smaller towards the tip and go down to the larger beads as I got more comfortable without having to buy several different sized toys.
After selecting your tool of choice, then begins the actual process of insertion. Lubricate the opening of the anus and the object or body part that you plan on using. Press gently into the asshole. If you feel like you are hitting a wall of muscle on the way in do not try to force your way through it; that’s the internal sphincter. Go back to the arousal drawing boards and try again later. Once all the way inside, and the butt is relaxed and comfortable with having something stretching it open, you can move on to motion. If you are fingering the butt try wiggling your finger(s) around. If you’re using anal beads try inserting just one more bead. Whatever you are using, thrust slowly… but maybe not too slow? Communication is key here. Some people actually find that slow thrusting can create more friction than is desirable.
Unfortunately, butts are not self-lubricating, and saliva is not likely going to be good enough in this situation. A good personal lubricant can be the difference between an orgasmic fun fest and painful anal fissures. I like JO Premium Silicone Anal Lube because it is very long lasting, thick, and does not contain any fishy ingredients. If you prefer a water based lubricant I have heard great things about Sliquid Sassy which is also thick and luxurious- perfect for butts. Sliquid Silver is another of my favorite silicone lubes. It will keep your butthole slick well into the midnight hour.
I usually avoid lube that contains Glycerol aka Glycerin(e) or Polyethylene Glycol; two common ingredients used in lube to keep things slippery. Glycerol is a common laxative used rectally. It works by causing the intestines to retain more water which softens the stool. This causes colon muscles to contract and produce bowel movements more quickly. Polyethylene Glycol (better known as Miralax) does similar things in the body. Will using lubes that contain these components give you the screaming shits? Not necessarily. The amount used is typically so small that it won’t make a significant difference for many people. However, in my own personal experience, products with these ingredients have consistently caused me to deal with some really uncomfortable abdominal cramping, and that’s enough to turn me off from recommending them.
Another thing I typically do not recommend is using oil-based lubricants because they can damage latex condoms. Using protection and practicing safer sex is important when having any type of sex, but especially important with the butt. Condoms, gloves, and dental dams can reduce the risk of transmitting STI’s among partners and help clean-up go much smoother after having anal sex. Always remember to use a new condom or glove when switching from fucking a butt to fucking a vagina. Bacteria from the human GI system can cause infection when it gets into the vagina from the anus; it can also cause UTIs when it gets into the urethra which is why you should always pee after sex. While it is not possible to get pregnant from having anal sex specifically, pregnancy can occur if semen gets inside the vagina or on the vulva during changes in position, removing a condom, etc.
Another note on safety: Please, please, please do not use Anal Eaze or any other numbing lubricant / cream. It is not uncommon to be afraid that anal sex is going to hurt, but pain is a natural, normal, and healthy way for your body to warn you when something is going wrong. If you are not able to identify when something is hurting you serious injury can occur. Listen to your body. If something feels wrong, uncomfortable, or hurts STOP; maybe try something else or take a break. Anal sex is not supposed to hurt, and it will not hurt when done correctly. Don’t feel bad if you can’t make it work the first couple times. Be patient! It is also okay if it turns out that this something you don’t enjoy or don’t want to do.
No pressure. This should be obvious, but I have noticed that too many people are willing to push their partners into trying anal sex when, for whatever reason, they just don’t want to. Sexual coercion is illegal. Making somebody feel obligated to participate in a sexual activity for any reason boarders the edge of sexual assault and could land you in jail. Do not be the jerk who whines when things fail to go your way. Make sure everyone is on the same page. Communication is good. Boundaries are important. Consent is essential. Just not that into it? Never feel bad for saying no.
Advocating for yourself and being able to share your needs is extremely important when trying anal play with a partner. If you are on the receiving end you need to have a plan for if things go wrong. Do you have a signal in place to let your partner know when you need them to stop or to slow down? I often find myself somewhere between “Please go deeper…” and “Holy fuck not that deep.” If you are not confident in your ability to be completely honest with your partner about how you are feeling then you probably should not be having butt sex with them.
If you are giving it good to somebody, it is your responsibility to make sure that the receiver is comfortable with what you plan to do next before you do it! One important way of doing that is to ask a lot of questions. “Does this feel okay?” “Do you want me to go faster?” “Are you still enjoying this?” Be prepared to change plans quickly if they just aren’t feeling it. Sometimes that means being willing to abandon hope of having sex with the ass of said person altogether. Deal with it. There are plenty of other pleasurable things you can do together. Perhaps consider switching roles and asking if they would be down to fuck your ass instead. The possibilities are endless.